I have so thoroughly enjoyed writing and sharing this blog with so many. The responses have been uplifting and inspiring and I am grateful. A few people have asked me why I write and what is the point to my offerings? The answer is DUPLICITY. The duplicity of preparing to die, and still preparing to continue to live. Let me explain.
My earliest blog back in July offered that I was sharing this journey against cancer with my family and friends. That is still true and the primary reason I write. I also write as part of the story of THE QB MENTOR, my book which was stocked in a warehouse in Butner, NC yesterday in order to meet demand of Christmas shipments for pre-release orders. The official release and publication date is January 1, 2016 when it officially is available at Amazon and in the Barnes and Noble bookstores. I am very excited to see what the Lord has planned for that publication and am prepared to respond accordingly.
This past summer has been a good one for my health and I have enjoyed this period of "disease control". I have taken advantage of the good periods of energy and have been able to visit my son Shawn as a Vanderbilt quarterback, my daughter Shelby in Memphis at her new house and also visit Kate’s family in Pittsburgh and their Oil City cottage on the Allegheny river for some small mouth bass fishing. Kate even planned a "bucket list" trip to Rome and Florence Italy for the two of us for 8 days, without the kids. Despite a visa faux pas that nearly derailed our original plans, we were able to expedite my passport renewal and re-booked our trip after just a 4 day delay. Thank God for small miracles.
Unfortunately, the last couple of weeks have been less filled with energy than previous ones. As anyone with cancer will tell you, that is a sign for concern. If you don’t control your mind, it will run wild with worst case scenarios. I try my best to not let those thoughts overwhelm me, or my family, but I am only human.
I share that to help answer the question of “why write this blog?" The most candid answer is "because I might die." Now, the fact is that we all will die eventually, none of us will get out of this life alive. But I have this warning, its called leukemia, specifically CLL 17p, and medicine doesn’t have a cure for it. So, while the new drug ibutinib has been winning the “mano y mano” battle against CLL 17p for the past 12 months, no one has declared the battle won. And that thought crosses my mind every day, no matter how I am feeling, but it just stays a little longer and talks to me a little louder on the lowest energy days.
And that is precisely why I write. To share with my children, both the older ones and the younger ones, the thoughts that cross my mind that I want to share; that I may not be able to tell them in person. This blog is my insurance policy against that possibility. The side benefit is that if my friends and family and others can enjoy a small sense of inspiration and encouragement from my sharing, then that is even better.
I am blessed to have all that I have, to have lived all that I have lived, and to love and have been loved so deeply by so many through the years. This blog is a way of paying that love forward, or at least the encouragement to do so, no matter what challenges in life each of us face.
It’s kind of a weird reality when I see someone who has supported me from afar with prayer and words of encouragement. They often are surprised that I look healthy and am a little bit overweight. I tell them prayers are working, but I can tell they are thinking "you aren’t dying." It feels like it would be more comfortable to see me withering away perhaps in a later stage of the disease. Sometimes I even feel guilty for not looking more feeble as I live with this diagnosis.
I guess the best way I can explain my feelings is to say that it’s not easy preparing for the possibility (dying), AND preparing for the best, living, and even a cure. The duplicity of that experience can be taxing, especially for one whose mind is as active as mine. But, it beats the alternative!
So I will keep sharing, and hopefully people will not get tired of my peculiar insights and reflections for many years to come. And my youngest children won’t have to read my thoughts, because I will be around to tell them! But just in case I am not, I will continue to write and share. I hope you will continue responding and sharing back with me. It makes it all worth the while.
Amen and AMEN.