When I first was diagnosed with stage 4 leukemia and told it was incurable, I spent some serious time in reflection and prayer. I recall the conversation I had one moment when I looked up and asked "Lord, what do you want me to do with this?" and He answered "live with it." I nodded my head ok. I let that thought percolate and sit for a moment and then, like a little boy at his father’s knees I asked "are you going to cure it?" and He said "eventually." And I nodded my head up and down. Ok, ok, I thought. I was probably hoping for longer and more expanded answers, but that’s not what I was getting, so I just stayed in the present and kept thinking about HIS answers. I looked back up and inquired "will you cure it any time soon?" and He answered firmly, but lovingly, "none of your business." Again my head shook up and down. I knew this wasn’t a debate and I was not talking to a colleague of mine; I was talking to the FATHER, the creator, the owner and He was shooting me straight. It was kind of man to man, even though I felt so young. I felt very loved and knew I was OK and going to be OK. I didn’t feel rebuked or shut down, even though I expected to feel that way if someone else had given me such one word answers.
So I sat there in that moment thinking some more. After a bit, I looked up, knowing I still had the fathers attention, confident He had not moved on to another task or another person in prayer. He was focused on me and my heart and our intimate moment. I didn’t feel like I was sharing Him at all. God is that way for all of us, and if we don’t experience that, it's on us, not Him. I mustered the nerve to ask an extended question which was "so, how do you want me to ‘live with it?’" I sensed a pause, not because God didn’t know the answer, but I think He just wanted to respect the weight of my question. I looked to him with great anticipation, knowing this would be an important thing to learn going forward. And I heard Him say "I want you to talk about your experience whenever and with whomever I send your way." I said ok, ok. I will.
And so, that is what I am doing.
It was about a month later that I entered this short prayer in my journal;
“I am living with terminal stage 4 cancer, as instructed, every day; day by day, morn by morn, noon by noon and night by night. I am looking to You Lord for what to do, what to think, what to feel, what to say and what to pray, day by day. Please give me the courage, the strength and the faith to do it well so that it pleases you.”
Amen and AMEN.
Scott