The other night I was lying in bed with my 5 year old son Leo. It is part of our nightly routine. We call it snuggles, and I get the privilege of laying with "my boy". Sometimes it is just a minute or two, and he falls asleep, or passes out quickly. I gently push up off his bed, trying not to wake him. I get up and then check on his sister Ella, who is typically asleep in the bed across the room. I motion the sign of the cross over both of them, and I tip toe out to check in on our youngest, 4 year old daughter, Jordan as she sleeps in her bedroom. I then head toward either my own bedroom to watch a Netflix episode of House of Cards with my wife, or I head downstairs to watch a sporting event. It’s a pretty good system and I am not complaining.
One particular night I was laying with Leo, and in the back of my mind I was so excited that Steph Curry and the NBA playoffs were coming on TV in 15 minutes. I rolled into Leo’s room and snuggled in next to him and began to rub his back. Leo was far from sleepy. He rolled over and began a conversation with me as if it were mid-day and we were in the car or something. "Hey dad, is Spiderman real? Do you think I can be him when I grow up? Hey dad, what was the favorite part of your day, mine was swimming at the pool with you.” And on and on.
I engaged him in a heart-felt way for the first couple minutes, but when he didn’t seem to slow down, I said "hey buddy, it’s time to go to sleep."
“But I am not tired”, he said.
“Well, son, I have to go, and it’s time for you to go to sleep.”
“But dad, I want you to stay and snuggle me until I fall asleep.”
“Well, Leo, I have been here for 10 minutes and you aren’t close to sleep and I have to go.”
“Dad, I want you to stay.”
I was torn. It was the NBA finals! I had already skipped the first game because it fell on my wife’s birthday and so I couldn’t watch it then as we did dinner and movie to celebrate. So I HAD to watch this game.
I went to get up from Leo’s bed, I had made my decision.
And then, in my spirit, I heard “HEY.”
I paused, maybe not physically, but I took a second to notice who was calling out to me. And I heard in my heart "How many of these do you think you have left?'
I turned my head, maybe even physically, to look up. I am sure my countenance suggested something like "Are You talking to me?"
The answer came, “ YES, I am.” And it continued; "How many do you think you have left? 10, 100, 1000 or 10,000? You know, given your leukemia and all."
My spirit did a quick calculation before I formulated a response. “So, at one nighttime snuggle a day, 10 would be a week or so, 100 would be a couple of months, shoot, I got that given this current remission. 1000 would be about 2 ½ years. Yeah, that’s kind of what I am counting on… at least! 10,000? Hmmm. That would be about 25 years. hmmm. Don’t think I have that kind of time, and Leo won’t be snuggling his dad but for another year or two, sooooo…”
I responded to the voice in my heart, "I don’t know how many I have, do you? And are you trying to tell me something?"
I heard, in a loving affectionate tone, "I’m just saying. You do what you want."
And the conversation was over.
Leo eventually fell asleep in another ten minutes.
When I got downstairs it was the start of the second quarter and the score was tied.
The truth is that none of us know how many snuggles, kisses, sunrises, sunsets, etc. we have. But this diagnosis has caused me to sit up and pay deeper attention to the importance and meaning in those moments. And for that, I am thankful. I’m just saying…
Amen and AMEN.