I don’t know about you, but saying the phrase ‘I love you’ wasn’t said a lot in my house growing up. That is not to say that my brother and sisters and I didn’t know it, or feel it, but we just didn’t say it, not to our parents and certainly not to each other. I never seriously tried the phrase out with my mom and dad, except for one time in college, and that didn’t go particularly well. In the immediate aftermath I felt all weepy and weak, so it was left unsaid for another three decades, that is, until my Dad got sick with a brain tumor. When we let it, death can have a way of helping us see what is truly important, such as telling family they are dearly loved.
Many experiences such as this, as well as other factors along my journey, have contributed to a change in my perspective. I now tell my 6 children, young and old, ranging from 5 to 28 years old, that I love them every day. I tell them every time I see them or we talk by phone or text. Secretly I am on a mission to tell my kids I love them and kiss them each one million times before it is too late, which for me given this leukemia, might be sooner than later. But here is the problem with that lofty goal, and I have jotted a quick note to accounting: at 10 kisses a day, I would need 273 years to reach a million. Odds are that won’t work, so if I aim for 27 years at 100 kisses every day to reach 1 million for each child, it could be done, and I am going for it!
Now that I have the ‘I love you’ concept ingrained with my children and my wife, I am concentrating on extending the salutation to my sisters, brother and mom. It is somewhat easier saying these three little words to my 80 years young mom, and even with my sisters, but my 47-year-old brother has me timid for some reason. I ask myself why that is? Because he is a guy? A colleague? As big and tough as me? I don’t know, I just struggle. Anybody else out there know what I am talking about?
Outside of my family there is a circle of men in my life that I am close to and with whom I am spiritually intimate. It is with them I share my innermost heartfelt dreams, fears, failings and longings. I desire to tell these men I love them because I do, and that I appreciate them for speaking into my life and supporting me in so many ways.
However, like the issue of telling my brother, another problem arises: ending a phone conversation with one of these men in my circle. Even harder still, ending a face-to-face visit over coffee or lunch, shaking hands and saying ‘I love you.’ Now that is really stretching the envelop of my comfort level. So instead, I have mastered the technique of walking away whilst mumbling ‘I love you’ with my head turned the opposite way, hoping that perhaps they didn’t hear me and won’t respond. Or better yet, when they do hear me and know I mean it, but are so taken aback or potentially confused that they don’t respond, both of us then free to walk away and simply let the moment go unaddressed. And yes, this is improvement. Baby steps.
Then, there is another awkward moment when one of my friends beats me to the phrase and says ‘I love you’ first. What do I do? I usually sit there, stunned, blubbering for words to respond when all I really need to do is say ‘love you too.’ I am about 50/50 success rate with getting in a reciprocal ‘love you too.’ Again, I am working on it.
I am sure this reveals some stuff I should take to my Holy Spirit Counselor, but in the mean time, I want to share a ray of hope for all the tongue-tied men like me out there. I have the perfect solution:
Just add the word ‘man’ or ‘bro’ to the end of ‘I love you,’ and you can smoothly conclude any exchange without feeling too embarrassed. Works like a charm.
For me, ‘love you, man’ or ‘love you, bro’ just flows off the tongue, and allows me to quickly hang up the phone or break an embrace and shuffle away, feeling good about expressing myself while also avoiding the uncomfortable moment of a non-family member hearing that I love them.
Try it this week. Throw out an “I love you, man” and see what happens. I think you will find it works well and you will be able to share your heart and spread more “I love you’s” with a little less mumbling, blubbering, and shuffling away.
Thanks to all for reading and don’t forget; “I love you man!”
Amen and AMEN.