I had a dream the other night that kind of shook me for a day or two, so I thought I would write about it and share with my friends and family.
In the dream, I was visiting with old football team mates from UNC and we were laughing it up over memories from "back in the day". My wife even poked me in the middle of the night to ask me what I was laughing about in my sleep. It was great to see all the old guys.
But, later in the dream, I was visiting with my oncologist and she had some grim news to share as she told me that the drugs that had successfully kept my leukemia in check for the past 18 months had stopped working and that we were going to explore a new “plan B” using drugs and protocols that were all experimental. I recall thinking to myself, "this is it, the day nobody wanted to talk or think about, including me. The day when modern day chemistry didn’t have an answer to my leukemia. Uh oh."
Dreams are wonderful, because they are not subject to the normal constructs of time or space. True to dream format, my mind immediately went to a sermon that Pastor Jay had just preached at the Chapel Hill Bible church from the book of Daniel. He talked about 3 men of God having faith in God "even if" they were not going to be saved from death in a fiery furnace. Jay called their faith "even if" faith and the obvious question to all of us listening was do we have that kind of faith, that EVEN IF things don’t go our way, or work out as we wish or pray, would we still have faith?
What came to me next was the phrase EVEN THOUGH. And in my dream, when my doctor told me that the drugs had stopped working and the future had become even more uncertain, would my faith still remain strong EVEN THOUGH? You see, it feels like I have been living an EVEN THOUGH faith, with this leukemia. EVEN THOUGH I have this terminal diagnosis, I am living, and loving and doing all I can with and for my family and friends.
And the nuance I experienced was in the transition to EVEN THOUGH. Even though it may not end up that my leukemia is cured and I live happily ever after until I am 80 some years of age. Even though so many have prayed fervently for me and our family. Even if the chemistry fails. Is my faith still intact and strong enough to endure, and live and love exactly the same as I have been?
Good question.
And only time will tell.
I woke up from that dream and I had worship music playing softly in the background, and as I blinked my eyes and my attention came to the moment outside my dream...I heard the song that was playing. It was a song by HOUSEFIRES, and it is my favorite song for the past year, called "Good Good Father".
Obviously I hope my dream was not a premonition, but I already have my answer to the question about is my faith strong enough "even though"? DAMN RIGHT it is! Even if, even though, doesn’t matter, because I believe in life and eternal life. Even if and even though, my love of life and family will not fall off.
I am proud of that answer and I plan to live that answer no matter what!
Amen and AMEN.